| The Gym |
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| 09:42pm 02/05/2007 |
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The concept of the gym never appealed to me. I've always thought it eerily unnatural, straining your body in a continuous, clumsy, technology dependent movement in an attempt to prolong your life and in the process, wasting the time you're living that actually matters. But I still go almost every day. Weights on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and every time I make sure to suffer through a 30 minute cardio session. Sometimes I push myself enough to go for 45 minutes, but this is rare. When I try just 40 minutes I always stop at 30, because 30 and 45 are the only seemingly acceptable workout times in my head, no matter how illogical my rationale actually is.
I sometimes can convince myself of good reasons to take an hour of my life every day doing this. Sleep better. Get those desperately needed endorphins running, a legal high. Live longer (though obviously not when I want to). Have a better appetite. And of course, look better.
I'm able to sustain my noble reasons for working out on a regular basis. But it's when it's some particularly beautiful day outside and upon walking into the fitness center, I find all of the ellipticals, arctrainers, bikes, stairmasters, and treadmills transfixing an assortment of young women. Some of them carry an amount of weight then men in this century would claim is too much, while others have the coveted body of a 14 year old girl. Some leisurely bike or sway on their artificial hills and trails, oblivious to anything except the book or trashy magazine in their hands (I have been able to sustain my workout for longer when reading of celebrity tragedy, though I've recently turned to more intellectual literature.). Others feverishly pump their legs, desperate to put their guilty pleasure of a piece of cake from lunch in the past. I go to the gym and I see these girls, and every day I wonder when society is going to end the insistance of a 90 pound woman who's expected to bear children, the accepting Venus who wastes hours of her life to make herself feel more presentable to the world. We talk about the dangers and tragedy of aneorexia, but we speak little in comparison of the thoughts that go on in every female's minds every day, constantly reevaluating every inch of her body, self-blaming and self-medicating, while society sips its 300 calorie latte with a artery-clogging burger and fries and forces all women to be guilty for living in it.
Tomorrow, I'm out of class at 10:30. I have all day to go to the gym. I'm so happy, because tomorrow, it can be a nice, long workout. |
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| 02:19am 26/04/2007 |
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i keep thinking that I'm happy and that everything is going well.
but then suddenly... i'm not.
and I investigate the cause and try to figure out what it is, but it seems to all just come back to being my fault.
I have this awful ability to know exactly how to hurt someone. I know exactly what to say to get them to be mad at me for a long time. I guess it's not hard to do. people say that being mean is easy. but i think i'm cruel, and i think that takes a certain amount of skill.
i think it's just that Im afraid of getting close to anyone, so I just push them all away as hard as I can.
or maybe I just haven't met anyone i'd be willing to open up to.
I like the think it's the former because I don't want to be egotistical and think knowing me is anything special. |
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| 10:01pm 03/04/2007 |
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Sometimes I think that
I just enjoy complaining
And solving nothing. |
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| 11:07am 31/03/2007 |
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The stars last evening
were bright, clear and beautiful.
I can't wait for spring. |
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| sadly... |
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| 10:50pm 22/02/2007 |
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I really think that
my high schools friends aren't really
my friends anymore. |
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| 11:09pm 21/02/2007 |
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when i was walking
and i could smell the sea air
just like in the fall. |
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| 11:26pm 19/02/2007 |
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it's time to go sleep
but i'm a little afraid
of sleeping alone. |
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| 10:52pm 14/02/2007 |
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i kind of thought that
the v-day would be different.
it wasn't at all. |
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| 12:07am 30/12/2006 |
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i think that vacation is sometimes when you get to forget that you're alive and consequentially, that you're going to die. |
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| 10:59pm 19/11/2006 |
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i've had a bit of trouble writing in my hard copy journal lately, so I thought that perhaps switching back to digital would help me get my ideas flowing.
friday i cooked again for my guy friends at stowe in. i made sweet potato, black bean, cheese, and rice burritos which would have been excellent had i not forgotten to put in the soy sauce. i've gotten really into cooking so i'm quite critical. the guys are starting to feel chauvinistic though (except for marotta, who never would dream on feeling like not being lazy) so they want to cook for me next time. sam made the appetizers this time though, a reciep he got online. so adorable of him to, and they were quite amazing. bruschetta-like but with a few twists, such as baby tomatos cut in half and such. very good.
after the dinner i had a party with margo and two other girls on my floor. the theme was "pilgrams and indians" and i was hester prynne, but i got a lot of shit for it because she wasn't a pilgram. god, get over it. i looked good. AND i didn't get sick like i did at our red light district party.
eventually the party ended (with an annoyed neighbor and a nervously laughing RA later) and a few of us went towards the pub, which was about to shut down. we danced for the last few songs. i dont remember who was dancing, but i remember greg and me had a great time just letting go. we were pretty much the only ones still there but four of us was enough. all our other friends were just watching, such their loss.
so eventually, i dont know how this happened, but i decided that greg and i should take this crazy scary print on a piece of wood that's randomly in my dorm's basement and bring it to his house - his house that's about 20 minutes away walking, which is FAR by bowdoin standards. we took this print, about 4 feet by 6 feet, - and carried it almost to his house, drunk off our minds, until i stopped and threw the thing on the ground in the middle of one of the many paths through the trees so we could lay on it and stare at the stars for awhile. we hung out and talked for a bit, then got back up and headed towards his house again. once we got there we somehow got into the topic of when i first met him and how we made out and how i told him he was a bad kisser and to stop. that's was pretty funny... we had a good laugh about that. we then began to watch the godfather, which was amazing for the 20 minutes i stayed awake for it. eventually i passed out and woke up in an entirely different room on a different couch, but it was all good.
the next night greg, me, two julies, margo, marotta, and hawes all went to see the amazing meteor bursts that happened. we drove over 2 hours to the border of maine and new hampshire in bethel, me to get some clear skies. we tried to hike up a mountain but it was so flooded that we had to turn back, so we just watched the bursts from our camp. after the bursts (which was absolutely incredible), julie, me and greg made some pasta, which julie succeeded in getting all over the ground... silly her. eventually however, it was simply gettign too cold for us to stay outside any longer, and at 1:45, we retired to our tents.
while the julies, margo, and marotta left at 7am (!!!), eric, me, and greg slept until 10 and finally got out of there by 11. we however, went on many pit stops, including an honor system farmer's market at a farm down a road, where we got squash, peppers, an onion, and garlic for soem pasta we're going to cook tomorrow night along with the BEST apple i've EVER eaten. i wish i had bought more. it was a type of sweet that i had never tasted before. we were goign to buy meet to since we were pretty much staring at the cows they came from, but greg was like "who knows how long that meat's been in the freezer" so we opted out. it was a great find, however, and i can't wait for the pasta. we shoudl probably identify the pappers we bought though so we can figure out how much of them we should use in the pasta...
so.... that was my weekend. |
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| 11:30pm 10/10/2006 |
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mood:  average
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my exploitations are becoming more and more reckless.
sometimes i feel like a fucking train wreck.
this guy friend of mine told me a story about how he hooked up with this girl and when i responded with a "who cares?" attitude, he said "oh, yeah, i forgot you were a girl."
the BCF (bowdoin christian federation) decided one day to write in chalk a bunch of inspiring and/or thought-provoking pro-christian quotes. some of them include "what is wisdom?", "people deny the love of God because they are afraid his love is as small as there's" as well as "i do not come from pond scum" outside the chemistry and biology building and "no professor on the planet can explain the evolution of the eye" in front of the neuroscience and psychology building. in response, there were several articles displayed as you walk into the building showing valid explanations for how the eye evolved.
i've become so normal since i've come to college. i don't draw anymore. i don't dance. i dress in jeans and a shirt almost every day. i rarely have anything interesting to say anymore. i'm not who i want to be right now. but what's weirder is that i have no desire to change it. being normal is extremely disturbing, but it's stable, and very easy to ignore. |
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| 10:02pm 13/08/2006 |
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I really really really wish i was a nicer person sometimes. |
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| Career |
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| 11:13pm 31/07/2006 |
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I'm pretty sure I'm going to be involved in oral health as a career. Just thought all of you would you know, like to know that, in case you need some root canals or something. |
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| truth and beauty |
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| 10:16pm 16/07/2006 |
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people always think those who run off with some guy, or follow some chance for something and leave everything to date, who leave it all behind for some dream, are fools. they think that acting quick and impulsive will never lead to anything worth anything, and that the only way to be successful is to be grounded, logical, and calculating.
well, in my opinion, those people are the ones who actually live, even if they may be fools. |
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| nature's work |
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| 08:21pm 11/07/2006 |
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mood:  aggravated
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there's a theory floating around that the surge of homosexuals in the world has more meaning than just less conservative mindsets of lifestyles. it's that the overpopulation we're experiencing is becoming a problem to the human race, and homosexuality is the response. of course for this to be valuable knowledge, places like india and china would have to have a significant amount of gay people, which i dont think is the case. however, they're pretty totalitarian when compared to the US, and the US is still a place i dont want to live anymore because of bullshit like that. but if it's true it would be awesome because finally that whole "it's not natural" argument would stop and people might pay attention to how overpopulated some places are getting.
that and energy. energy and overpopulation. biggest issues in the world today. forget about trying to keep your lifestyle, try keeping your LIFE. |
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| no thanks |
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| 04:06pm 08/07/2006 |
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mood:  apathetic
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so i've been home alone for awhile now, and thankfully no arrests so far! though i felt pretty close last night when i hung out with these friends of jesse. not that they weren't cool kids and so fucking halariously hyper, but they just take risks that i dont know if i'll ever be ok with taking again.
they were all a bunch of car junkies. the first thing they began to talk about were cars. one of them had just bought the "most expensive truck you can buy" or something like that. one of them had an original hummer. i wonder if they're just car friends with jesse. i douubt it though. one of them had been to that party where i thought vinnie was trying to shamefully hook up with a drunken catherine (i was wrong) which i guess isn't the best way to meet me. i forget his name. i didn't sit in the back of the truck because i was too scared. i feel like i missed out.
that was pretty much my whole thought process of the night. i was too distracted by these boy's hyperness to think about anything else. |
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